A Late Night Bout With Inadequacy

>> Sunday, September 13, 2009


Thats right, the time is that late and I am a busy little person this semester. But my brain has been on an on and off again fritz. Its hard to want to just complain about things and then realize the person you are complaining to is just as busy if not busier than I am.

So here is to Ryan with his intense perseverance that puts me to shame this semester. He's been so completely focused while I've been feeling so severely spread thin. So our apartment is nearly always a disaster, but I guess our homework is getting done, so thats something right? Its weird I'm 23 now and while I've grown up and become a very opinionated person with a lot of passion, my dreams have been changing.

I guess I'm just tired of telling people that I still want to do the same thing I set out to be right before I started College. While I know they mean well its hard to say what the future will be. Truth is I'm so close to graduating, and my degree could completely be for nothing. Well not for nothing, but just that I may not go into my field of choice after graduation.

But thats the thing, I'm not entirely certain what my field of choice will be and thats daunting for me. I always thought I'd be graduated from school and in a masters program by the time I was 24 and the fact that it just may not be in my cards is both frustrating and rejuvenating.

While I know a bachelor's in english is equivalent to a bachelor's in many other humanities, without grad school actually going into said field is next to irrelevant. But it will be a pay raise, and that isn't something to sneeze at. I'll be free to see what really is in store for me and my family for the rest of my life. It will be a grand adventure.

However, the more I stare at these latin declensions, tenses and parts of speech the more I feel small. I am still up for this challenge, and to minor in latin will be monumental for me. I blame latin for my utter delve into being a literary snob, but its a special kind of torture and one I do enjoy.

But its just so highly grammar driven, with ablatives of time, conditionals of future less vivid, and lets not forget the passive periphrastic. I just guess its hard feeling like I'm so much further behind everyone else when its not necessarily the case, but regardless I feel like the grammar rules are so completely over my head.

Ah, prose why do you have to be so f(x) meticulous? (thats right its this late and I'm throwing out Math Humor...) I can last, and poetry will be so much easier. Thank you Romans for Dactyllic Hexameter, you've saved me EVERY year I've taken Latin. Just come sooner, ok?

How do other people deal with feelings of identity crisis? Changes in dreams? And lets not forget being utterly overwhelmed?

A very vulnerable post but I'd like to get back to these kind as opposed to 'monthly christmas card esque' updates.

3 comments:

Brad & Mary September 16, 2009 at 8:52 PM  

Wow sister I have had the same late night inadaquacies, alot of people do when they are nearing the completion of college. Was it worth it? Where do I go from here? It will always be worth it, you don't realiz that until later. But where do I go from here is different for everyone. There will be doors open and doors shut but keep dreaming and working towards your dreams and you'll be happy

Na September 17, 2009 at 2:54 PM  

Life is about change and growth. Sounds like you are doing a lot of both. Just make sure that you are doing what is going to make you happy.

Anonymous,  November 10, 2009 at 11:14 PM  
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