Looming Ever Forward

>> Friday, July 2, 2010

I got my Diploma in the mail and the reality of this looming future ahead of me inches forward. It is absolutely terrifying and exciting, all these other paths are open up ahead some with massive blockades and some very steep, but the paths are open nonetheless with doors at the end leading to even more paths.

The future is unknown, my own included. I feel mildly betrayed by myself, educators and of course mainstream media, because college is so heavily promoted as being the best thing you can do for yourself, perhaps if I had been a Comm major I’d be singing a different tune, because included with all of this deception was a promise that you would figure out what you wanted to do for the rest of your life.

I’ve always been told I should write. From the beginning, when people queried what I wanted to be when I grew up and my best friend always said she wanted to be a mom I would look clueless instead. Fast forward 14 years and I’m still looking ahead clueless because there is so very much I want to try and do. I find comfort in a quote that one of my wise cousins (with her adorable puppy) attached in one of her comments:

‘To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.’— Henri Bergson

I am always one of the first to demand people are lenient of media adaptations and translations because translating something from a primary form to a secondary (and sometimes third form) means that you lose (loose) meaning each and every time you change the text. I am terrified to write because I feel that writing, nay blogging, demands that I am a narcissistic person completely focused on myself. I don’t want to be that kind of writer. I am no omnipotent narrator in real life, so should that leach itself into my posts I would be very disappointed.

Being disappointed in oneself is very difficult to stomach; it is even above times when Ryan, my Parents, my sisters, brothers and friends are disappointed in me.

I am not competitive at heart, but I don’t want to be condemned to complacency. I hate applying or requesting something only to find out someone else is pursuing the same thing. Its not that I am worried about my sense of individuality, it is because I like to give people opportunities and not take them away.

So along with giving people opportunities to also fall in love with books and reading the way I have. I want to pursue book textiles and I have decided on my direction to pursue in the next 5 years. I want to get a Master’s of Fine Arts in Bookbinding. Yes I saw the prospect of growth is negative but it makes me tingle with euphoria, I have direction again and oh my lands is it nice to have something tangible to pursue. This fall I want to take a bookbinding class as part of continuing ed, I’d love to have company. Who knew my interest and involvement in construction and as-built drawings would lead to a distinct dream of constructing my own hardbound beautiful books (complete with sewing) completely in house. Do I have any takers out there?

2 comments:

Susan July 28, 2010 at 8:12 PM  

I'm 35 and I STILL don't know what I want to be when I grow up. There are too many wonderful and fascinating things in the world to commit to only one. And while I am going back to school in the fall myself, and while I would LOVE to take a book binding class with you (I have dabbled with it a bit) ---I'm kind of far up north here. You'll have to take the class and teach me all the knowledge and skill later. :)
Aunt Sue

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